I awoke, gripped tightly by the hands of final fates that whisper words to me of fleeting grace, time, and the remembrance of all that I have loss. My body shakes and shimmers at the trauma as the memories of vessels that float beneath, and the events of a past and dead Advent begin to flood my mind – like dark waters. Cradled within the palm of flames, I can sense what what I once now has already begun to fade, that the imminent death of me which shall bring about all that I was meant to be is only a fraction of the sealed, and Final Fates that have now begun to take their place. I can no longer outrun what has now arrived, I can no longer hide from this never-ending grasp of death – for I have always been part of the end, I have always dreamed of it, and now I am becoming it. These vast and seemingly infinite landscapes will forever exist in a place so deep within my heart, for they have brought me hope throughout the eras and ages alike, as well as guidance throughout my most lost of times. But now, as these darkest of nights have long since settled in, so to have the fires that march across these scapes, purging this place entirely – devouring all that remain in place.
Though the flames from all around tower above me like none other, I can feel the air from all around growing colder and colder, the hurt from all that was lost festering from deep inside as I begin to make amends, and accept what I have become. These fragile moments reminds me of the treacherous day’s of the Ice Cave, of being trapped deep within the cavern walls; where with every gust of wind that blew meant becoming closer and closer to death, that slowed the inevitable journey more and more. A place where I was forced to learn of lies and the false promises that I was told, the heinous actions that were made, ensuring that my dreams and desires were never meant, ensuring that the path that I had since took, was taken by all means necessary. A beaten course, that you are likely never meant to know. One of lies and deception, one of captivation and treachery – one of sin and sorrow and the consuming of it. For during those frozen day’s, I could close my eyes and see my daughters eyes, all while being engulfed in a feeling of light and bliss, in a feeling I have come to know was never meant to last. For when those walls crumbled and the cavern met it’s end, corners and crevices within my complex and infinite all knew all to well that the very light that I was to join forces with – would ultimately end up being my most diligent of guides towards the darkness I had learned to shun.
My reality had become oh so crippling, for the day’s that turned to darkened twilight hours during the place of Castles, I had endured the encompassing of love and the loss of it – all followed by an exile that would see my drifting mind create contracts with the depths of darkened waters that were to be met, depths of darkened waters that would preface death, wrapped up in a precursor known as the in between. But even throughout all of these eras and ages alike, the pain had never healed – for instead my mind has found other more crippling and inevitable truths to traverse, ones that had shifted my reality towards creating a path to some place of infinite landscapes, all beckoned by some greater forces that I was never truly meant to understand. These forces know of the futures I had always sought to bring into fruition, they have seen the formulation of this world as well as the dying of it. Just as they now watch this breathless Advent decay into nothingness, a line cut and shattered into a million pieces fading away, as if it’s never existed. They will govern over all that remains between this time and what will follow, when a universal pull will inevitably bring birth to a new Advent – one that will hopefully be of solace and peace, one where both darkness and light can rest and breathe equally, without a burning desire to over-take the other. I sort of see it as an impossibility, for there are still an infinite amount of things regarding this process that I am to learn, and even more so that I will never be meant to know, but I digress.
As I sit here, knees met tightly with the ground and eyes peering up towards the burning and darkened skies, flames clenched to my skin like an infection looking to spread – I know all to well that my fading must begin. That once again, the cycle must repeat itself of one last time, a promising loss desperately hungering to feed and take hold again, and again and again. It’s all like nothing I had ever imagined, but in the strangest way part of me is content with it, a dedicated path of movement to take, a way to hold the flames at bay from gaining ultimate control – an alternative option from choosing to sleep or simply die alone. For with the presence of death that I now wield at my will thanks to these fires that consume and shadows that devour alike, I am destined to fade – but only while also losing all ties and resistance to the bindings of this world. For now, very little holds meaning to me, and not by choice – but instead by some strange sense of divination. Should your voice be so enticing and pulling in it’s ways to weaken my heart strings and bring me to me knees, I must remember than even during my most wildest of dreams regarding love – these final fates will find a way to make you suffocate to. For when I knew darkness was going to be the path that lay ahead, I quickly saw the fading of light in my daughters eyes – like a future that was always a part of me ripped away, or some altered DNA stripped and replaced with confusing memories – never to be the same again. I can still feel the tiny hands meeting mine, and the feeling of futures so close to what I had always envisioned and strove for, but alas, chaos and destiny have other plans and rules that I have always been meant to play by, so in a solemn state of acceptance, after I let this darkness in, after I become one with these shadows, after I take up the mantle of the warrior of darkness, after the flames begin to engulf – I will become a fleeting and fading force in between two worlds. A force that exists outside of a dead Advent, whilst right before the birth of a new one – a force fleeting the chaotic and never-ending chase of life, swimming into the violent yet all-enticing tides of death.
This transition, will be like none other I have ever experienced. For while I do not consider myself to be free during these burning moments, in knowing that I now hold the key to freedom brings me a sense of knowing that the peace that remains to be ever-so absent from these fragile times – is still in reach. My thoughts have begun to become translucent in a sense, illuminated only by the flames that burn across these scapes, brought to light by the fire that now courses through my veins – but I am still cold. Deep down I know that forgiveness for what has been done will ever come, and I know that we’ll never live to see the truth of things come about – as a collective. Which is why the pursuit of it all, on an individual level, remains to be the utmost importance to me – even still as my sense of self begins to fade. In all of this, no matter the amount of time, or the amount of life that I may have left, I know that I am still capable of love and the loss of it. For pains and longings still grow stronger and stronger everyday – a desire to feel what I once felt one last time, out of some jaded and delusional belief that I could have a stake in that life, that I could own what they own, experience what they experience – but that was never part of the process, never a part of this process. So I’ll climb down from my staggered and stunned premonitions of a lost future self, and I’ll let go and leave these desires behind, while letting all the pain, hurt, panic, chaos, and other fleeting and fragile feelings in – and I’ll claim stake and take every small moment that may help me feel human again, that may help me feel alive again. Like in a vicious pursuit for a high that is much too short to share, and much to short to reach the peak.
I close my eyes now in preparation to let go of this dying Advent, in knowing that there is nothing left here for me to gain, nothing left here for me to pursue. For now, as I drift forward whilst being engulfed in flames towards my inevitable end that has spiraled out from final fates; I know that what I entangle with now will be of forces that are meant to see the dawn of a new Advent. Forces that still hold ever-so tightly to their light, forces that were never meant to fully endure this beaten course from start to finish. I’ll come to know them all, but they’ll never see me fully, for like a ghost, or like a phantom that haunts, they’ll hear my words but never truly listen, they’ll see me pass but never truly feel my presence, they’ll witness me take everything but not notice what has gone missing, they’ll watch me burn but never feel my pain. It is the transition that must take place, and I’ll watch and experience as infinite hours pass by until I am ready to let go, until the fading as reached it’s end. The end like what I am witnessing now, as this Advent which I have clung to like my lost child now dies before my very eyes. My very tired eyes which now begin to close, as I drift off into yet another sleep, the last of which that these lords will watch – the last of which I will dream of – as a solid figure.